I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
