Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
