Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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