WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
