I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
