so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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