In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
