I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
