I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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