My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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