If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The beer is more important than you right now.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
