how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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