Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
