my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Blow job season was short but glorious.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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