everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
