I seem to have left my pride at pride
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
