I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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