Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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