I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
