so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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