when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
