I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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