If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
