oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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