weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
organizing the empties. That sober.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
