she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
