Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
