Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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