My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
