Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
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No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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