if i can run in heels then i can drive
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
