Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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