The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
