In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
