I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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