i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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