Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
