Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
