How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
