walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
