Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
