they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
