I will die if light touches me.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
