Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
