so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
