tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
