The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
