he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
