is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
