i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we're making bets on your personal life
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
