I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
