just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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