I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
