She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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