I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
