did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
