I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
