I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
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I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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